To the Volume 3
The last time you heard from me, I was in a pretty lousy mood. Luckily, several things have happened between then and now that have turned my mood around. (I just typed that to the tune of "Turn the Beat Around." Wow.)
Namely, some really exciting things happened for me at work. Plus, over the weekend my bestie made an impromptu visit, which can cheer me up any day. In any case, I'm long overdue for one of my more popular blog posts. Ladies and gents, without further adieu, I give you To The, Volume 3.
To the
TV show Awkward. This is one of the most underrated shows on television. It's full of some the most hilarious and inappropriate one-liners ever. Example: "Tonight I'm breaking all the rules — and my hymen." I mean...
For reals though, you know all the times I say "you're welcome," in this blog? You know all the times YOU say "you're welcome" in YOUR blogs, social media sites and in your little brain? That comes from Awkward, people! From Sadie Saxton to be exact. It even has its own hashtag on Twitter. Seriously, go watch. #YoureWelcome.
To the
people who misuse the word 'literally.' You're the worst kind of people. Literally. By definition, literally means “in a literal or strict sense.’’It is NOT a synonym for 'actually' or 'really' or 'seriously.' For example, when someone says, "I was so scared, I literally died!" Well, no, you didn't literally die, because you just told me that story, which means you're alive. I get that people use it for impact, and it IS funny, I admit. But only when you know you're using it incorrectly.
To the
girls who go into the stall next to me and/or talk to me while I'm peeing. What is your problem? Question: if there are three empty stalls and I go to the one on the far left, which one should you go in? Answer: Not the middle one. Question: At what point did I make it seem like I wanted to have a confessional during tinkle time in the bathroom? Answer: Never.
To that point. To the to people who are clearly pooping in the bathroom when I come in and who just sit there, waiting for me to leave before continuing with their business: You've been sitting there for so long quietly squeezing your cheeks, you're not fooling anyone. Obviously you don't need to pee. Just let it go. Everyone Poops. A book told me so.
To the
gin buckets I had last weekend. I'm going to go ahead and not post the video my sister took of me vomiting the next morning.
To the
presidential election. Are you over yet? I don't spout political opinions, but I cannot listen to another idiotic word come from Mittens' mouth.
To the
fall. You are my favorite. I love everything about you from football and tailgating to boots and sweaters to leaves changing to Halloween to Thanksgiving to cooler weather.
To the people who don't shower daily. I don't judge you. It's more like envy.
To the
sock bun. I love you. I never really understood you before, but then my co-worker showed me the amazingness of your ways. Exhibit A:
lady who gave me a seat on the train on the way home from work with the caveat of "I've been sitting all day." So have I, biotch. What, because I want to continue sitting on my commute home, you're better than me?
To the
taco pizza. You are the best thing that was ever created. Specifically, the kind from Happy Joe's, but the kind from Casey's (yes the gas station) and Pizza Ranch are a close second. Try it. You'll thank me. #YoureWelcome.
To the people who stand next to me on the El platform, even though the entire thing is open. You might as well sit next to me in the bathroom stall. See above.
Who or what is on your "to the" list?
Namely, some really exciting things happened for me at work. Plus, over the weekend my bestie made an impromptu visit, which can cheer me up any day. In any case, I'm long overdue for one of my more popular blog posts. Ladies and gents, without further adieu, I give you To The, Volume 3.
To the
TV show Awkward. This is one of the most underrated shows on television. It's full of some the most hilarious and inappropriate one-liners ever. Example: "Tonight I'm breaking all the rules — and my hymen." I mean...
For reals though, you know all the times I say "you're welcome," in this blog? You know all the times YOU say "you're welcome" in YOUR blogs, social media sites and in your little brain? That comes from Awkward, people! From Sadie Saxton to be exact. It even has its own hashtag on Twitter. Seriously, go watch. #YoureWelcome.
people who misuse the word 'literally.' You're the worst kind of people. Literally. By definition, literally means “in a literal or strict sense.’’It is NOT a synonym for 'actually' or 'really' or 'seriously.' For example, when someone says, "I was so scared, I literally died!" Well, no, you didn't literally die, because you just told me that story, which means you're alive. I get that people use it for impact, and it IS funny, I admit. But only when you know you're using it incorrectly.
To the
girls who go into the stall next to me and/or talk to me while I'm peeing. What is your problem? Question: if there are three empty stalls and I go to the one on the far left, which one should you go in? Answer: Not the middle one. Question: At what point did I make it seem like I wanted to have a confessional during tinkle time in the bathroom? Answer: Never.
To that point. To the to people who are clearly pooping in the bathroom when I come in and who just sit there, waiting for me to leave before continuing with their business: You've been sitting there for so long quietly squeezing your cheeks, you're not fooling anyone. Obviously you don't need to pee. Just let it go. Everyone Poops. A book told me so.
To the
gin buckets I had last weekend. I'm going to go ahead and not post the video my sister took of me vomiting the next morning.
To the
presidential election. Are you over yet? I don't spout political opinions, but I cannot listen to another idiotic word come from Mittens' mouth.
To the
fall. You are my favorite. I love everything about you from football and tailgating to boots and sweaters to leaves changing to Halloween to Thanksgiving to cooler weather.
To the people who don't shower daily. I don't judge you. It's more like envy.
To the
sock bun. I love you. I never really understood you before, but then my co-worker showed me the amazingness of your ways. Exhibit A:
me, my bestie, and my sock bun!
To the lady who gave me a seat on the train on the way home from work with the caveat of "I've been sitting all day." So have I, biotch. What, because I want to continue sitting on my commute home, you're better than me?
To the
taco pizza. You are the best thing that was ever created. Specifically, the kind from Happy Joe's, but the kind from Casey's (yes the gas station) and Pizza Ranch are a close second. Try it. You'll thank me. #YoureWelcome.
To the people who stand next to me on the El platform, even though the entire thing is open. You might as well sit next to me in the bathroom stall. See above.
Who or what is on your "to the" list?