Bachelor Recap: What-What's Your Fan-ta-ta-sy

I'm beginning to wish that The Bachelor was on Friday nights, not only because I never do anything on  am always busy on Friday nights would always never watch, but because there are several drinking games that we can now play thanks to the Morons on this show.

DRINK every time...

1. Sean says "You look so cute!"
2. Sean says, "Is this woman my wife?"
3. They show Sean showering, or pensively looking off into the distance
4. Lindsay talks like a baby
5. Lindsay says, "Amazing"
6. AshLee says, "This man"
7. Ashlee uses a metaphor
8. Catherine says, "beefy" or "hunky"
9. Catherine references her weirdness or drops a serious bomb on Sean

Anyway, this week was the Fantasy Suites, where normal contestants slut it up and figure out if they can tolerate sleeping with this one person for the next few months rest of their lives. Or, as this young gal said, and Chris Harrison reiterated:

But when you're Sean, and a "born-again virgin"—which I might add is not a real thing—you use this total privacy to talk. Bo-o-ring.

Lindsay gets the first date and despite the fact that she annoys me to no end, I can tell Sean likes  her. Damnit. Their date begins with the pair getting picked up by a taxi, which Lindsay thinks is "amazing." It's a motorized rickshaw, Lindsay, for god's sake. She says she can't focus on the beauty of Thailand because she's got a beautiful man next to her. I'd venture to say it's because Sean's massive body has her trapped. They walk around some Asian market because in "real life" they look forward to doing things like grocery shopping. Because most trips to the grocery store involve eating bugs...

Lindsay post-bug eating, pre-vomit.

They monkey around on a secluded beach for awhile—literally—before going to dinner. Lindsay is amazed times 1,000 when she sees that their dinner is in front of some giant Thai floats that include "a bed of flowers made out of like, petals." NO WAY! Flowers made out of petals?! You've gotta be shittin' me. They get the Fantasy Suite card, which Lindsay reads like an illiterate baby, and off they go. Oh and how could I forget? Lindsay tells Sean she loves him, to which he responds "I love hearing you say that." 

Every girl's dream.

AshLee's up next and they hop on a boat en route to a secluded beach. But not before they swim through a cave for 2 20 minutes and we hear another speech/metaphor about abandonment from AshLee. 

What does abandonment have to do with swimming in a cave? You’re afraid Sean will leave you there? I’m pretty sure at least one of the 20 producers, cameramen, etc would throw you a raft. This is a direct quote:

"I’m terrified because it’s pitch dark. It’s scary. But that’s kinda how life is sometimes. It’s like when you’re with the person you love, and you’re going down a dark alleyway..."

Ummm. You lost me there. I'm in love but I'm in an alley? That sounds more like sexual assault. AshLee needs to lay off the crazy pills, deal with her issues, stop speaking in metaphor and come back to Earth. Or at the very least, she needs to stop talking about such heavy shaz. Anyway, they head to dinner, AshLee gives a detailed description of the engagement ring she wants, and when the Fantasy Suite card comes, Sean tells us (another direct quote): 

"What I would love is to stay up all night with AshLee talking. That would be the perfect ending to this date."

Maybe if you're 16 and on a first date, that would be the ideal ending to a first date, but c'mon, this is The Bachelor. I think at this point we know AshLee's fate.

Last but not least, we've got Catherine's date. Personally, I think it's obvious from they way they are editing this show that Catherine is the winner. More on that later. They're on (another) boat, Catherine tells Sean how hunky he is, and how nerdy she is. She also talks about her last long relationship and how she got "scared" and realized "some things" and now she's ready to get married. Way to dig deep, Catherine. Anyone else notice how she said ALL of this to Sean without once looking at him in the eye? Weird.

We also learn why Catherine is rarely seen in her swimsuit. She drops another serious bomb, saying that people used to call her chubby and told her she eats too much. So, essentially, she has an eating disorder, aka she is Vegan. (Love ya, Diener!)

At dinner, Catherine makes a point of telling Sean she is traditional, yada yada, and we see those previews that everyone thinks means that Catherine is going to turn down the Fantasy Suite. People when will you learn: Basically whatever is shown in a preview, the opposite is likely to happen. That's why I'm so interested to see what this little "note" is that Sean gets in the finale. Is it from Des or AshLee asking for another chance? Is it from Catherine, finally telling Sean she loves him, since she hasn't yet?

Anyway, like I said earlier and to my point above, the producers on this show are not to be trusted. We've seen so much of a connection with Lindsay all season, and so little of Catherine until recently, they are trying to make us sure that it's Lindsay at the end. We'll see, but I'd be willing to be that it's not.

The rose ceremony comes, Chris Harrison does a whole lot of nothing (per usual) and Sean watches those horribly awkward videos they force the girls to make. AshLee's embarrassing breakdown is further evidence that she's going home. Sean can't watch it, and neither could I. Sean sends AshLee home and she is PISSED.

She, nor her, boobs are interested in hearing anything Sean has to say about why she's going home. She lets us know she was not here to have fun. We couldn't tell, AshLee.

The Women Tell All next week and then it's FINALLY the end of this godforsaken show.

What''s your prediction?