"I Can't Control My Eyebrow!" and Other Tierra Quotes

You guys. I don’t know how many more of these recaps I can muster. Especially because nearly all the funny things to recap about this season left in the minivan with Tierra’s eyebrow—and sparkle.

More on that later.

I’m sorry I’m a day late with this post – I had every intention of finishing it last night, but important things like Happy Hour and an impromptu sleepover with my girlfriend prevented such happenings.

Finally, the girls and Sean are going somewhere that appendages won’t fall off when exposed for longer than 30 seconds. Am I the only one who noticed how extremely tan all of these people were? They just came from Canada or Alaska or some other polar destination, and suddenly they all look like they’ve been baking on the beach all season. Obviously, I’m jealous.

All of the dates were pretty boring this week, and the good stuff didn’t happen until later. Drama ensued from the get-go when Tierra, being the little bitch that she is, decides she can’t possibly stand to sleep in the same room as the other girls, so she sets up a cot in another room. #NoOneCared.

AshLee (capital A, capital H) gets the first one-on-one, which ends being the Bachelor Classic: I’m on a boat, Motherf*$!ker! The two rolled around making out on the beach for awhile, but not before 3 important moments:

• AshLee gives Sean all the dirt he’s been looking for on Tierra. I thought for sure AshLee would fall victim to the Bachelor curse of girls talking about other girls, but alas, Sean appreciated her honesty.
• She reveals she has a huge secret. She’s worried it will break she and Sean, she just wants to say it and move on, there was just something she had to tell him, and it was really hard for her to say, so here it comes…I mean the build up was absurd. Was I alone in guessing that she had either killed someone or had a kid? I mean, she IS ancient at 32, you guys,  so she HAS to have a kid by now (according to Tierra). Turns out her huge secret was that she got married and divorced at 17 in an act of rebellion. Guess what? #NoOneCared.
• With the weight of the world off her shoulders, AshLee stands on a chair and I immediately think, “Don’t do it, don’t do it!” Guess what? She did it. She yelled “I LOVE SEAN!” while still standing on a chair. Call me crazy, but the first time a man hears those words should not be with someone SCREAMING them at you, and they should not be spoken while wearing flower hammer pants.

Tierra gets her coveted 1-on-1 and I think she might have made actual Bachelor history by being the only woman ever to complain about it. Nothing sounds worse to her than wandering around in the heat and bugs with her makeup sweating off.

Tierra puts on her happy face, cut-off jean shorts and belly shirt and she and Sean skip around the city, where Sean buys her “everything a girl could want on a first date,” like shell necklaces and metal wire. Then, “All of a sudden, music starts blasting and a parade is headed in our direction!" Mmm hmm.

The group date with Lindsay, Desiree and Catherine is pretty boring, despite having a super cool concept. Sean wakes them up to watch the sunrise and spend the rest of the day jumping tree houses to the other side of island to catch the sunset. Of which, there was none. #WampWamp

Couple comments on Catherine:

• Talk about a sob story. First she watches her friend get killed by a tree, then her dad tries to commit suicide in front of her? What bothers me is her lack of emotion when she shares this stuff. I can’t tell if it’s creepy or admirable.
• Why is she always wearing a cover-up? During the group date, she was the only one wearing a towel, and when she and the girls were on the beach, she was the only one wearing a dress while we all drooled over the other girl rocked their six-packs. 

Lesley gets the last 1-on-1 and starts off by telling us that even though she’s “known Sean for awhile now,” she still gets butterflies when she sees him. Um, honey. It’s been what, 5 weeks? Also, I still get butterflies when I see my hubby and I’ve known him 13 years. (Awwwww!)

•  They basically go avocado picking.
• I appreciate her pretty much saying that anyone who comes on this show and says they’re in love after a few dates is an idiot. But then she admits to being an idiot, too.
• She goes home. Too bad, I liked Les. (But LesBeHonest, I didn’t like her more than Catherine. Ba dum bump.)

Now that all the boring dates are over, we’re back at the house for the good stuff. While Sean gets some sisterly advice—GOOD sisterly advice at that, aka, don’t choose the bitch—Tierra confronts AshLee about “sabotaging” her relationship with Sean.

We should make Tierra T-Shirts from the amount of one-liners from this part:

Tierra's T Shirts by rzupek featuring rag & bone.

In a convenient move by ABC, Sean conveniently goes over to the house during World War 2, where he finds Tierra in the isolation room—on her cot—and SURPRISE! She’s crying about how hard this is for her and tells us (not for the first time) that she has a big heart. She even goes so far as to say that AshLee is clearly out to get her. Yes, I’m so sure that Little Orphan Hottie, who seems to be the most upset by the fact that you do not say GOOD MORNING to her, is out to get you. Seems plausible.

When Sean says he’ll be right back, I held my breath hoping to all that is Holy that he was not going to get a rose. Instead, we watched Sean grow a pair right before our eyes as finally realizes, Tierra is not the one for him.

#Hallelujah.

Sean is even smart enough to make it seem like he’s doing this for Tierra’s own good. “I’m crazy about you, but I think it might be better for you if you go home.”

I’ve gotta say, I was a little disappointed in Tierra’s exit. I was hoping for more screaming, yelling, punching, and her saying all kinds of demeaning things to Sean. Instead, all we got was fake tears, something about how no one would take her sparkle, and a producer texting on his BlackBerry in an act of boredom. Who thinks Tierra is going straight to Bachelor Pad?

Next week: Hometowns! I still think the previews of Des and her brother will turn out to be some kind of prank on Sean, but we’ll see.

Looks like I was pretty close on my initial guess for the final four. I initially guessed Lesley in the final four, so I was off on AshLee. My prediction for who goes home next week? Lindsay or Desiree.

Thoughts?