Bachelor: Week Juan
Hey ya'll, Happy Juanuary! Ugh, God. I can't believe I said that. It's everyone's favorite, or if you're my husband, least favorite time of year. (Seriously, when he saw the show on the DVR, he said, and I quote "Oh, fuck.")
Apologies that your Bachelor recap is a day late. I was working from home yesterday due to the freaking end of the world Polar Vortex or whatever the hell is happening, and as such, got sucked into my new favorite guilty pleasure, Pretty Little Liars. Also, I'm trying not to drink during the week, and I couldn't imagine watching this show without a large glass of wine. However, I'm proud to say I'm doing it right now, so lower your expectations. I'm much funnier when I'm guzzling wine.
(Speaking of which, I'm halfway through the episode. Why isn't anyone being a drunk asshole yet?)
Let's rewind. I'm not going to comment on the beginning part, except to say that we all need to be honest with ourselves and admit that Juan Pablo is HOT, and I love that he brought his daughter and parents to the mansion so as not to miss a moment.
Onto the limo: These girls were BORING! No one was super memorable, except for their boob jobs, and they all acted like they were meeting freaking Channing Tatum with how giggly and awkward and nervous they were. They also all did this weird little quick exhale that sounded like, "WHOOSH."
Rose ceremony/cocktail party? Also boring! It was just a bunch of giggling, gaggling boob jobs. And apparently, no one was drinking, including JP. (And, I guess...me.)
Overall, a few girls stood out:
Single mom, Renee, whom Juan referred to as "Mama" and in return, she called him "Papi." I don't care if you're both single parents, you sound like Mama June and Sugar Bear.
Andi, the assistant DA who was last one out of the limo. First of all, she's hot and clearly smart. Seems cool right off the bat, and I'm placing her in the top 5. It's also possible she could turn out to be villainess of the season, but I haven't seen previews yet for the rest of the season.
Lauren (who's a mineral coordinator. WTF is that?) who cried all night (I'm shocked there wasn't more than one) and said her "life sucks" so she deserves a rose, and also admitted on TV that she bought her wedding dress 6 weeks after being engaged. My favorite was this dialogue:
Cowboy Boots girl: "Seriously, you just need to go in and swoop him up." Cool advice!
I also loved that she spilled the beans about her engagement to JP and said she was over it. Girl...you're a hot mess and you are so clearly not "over it." Go on home to 'Bama. (Honestly, before she turned into crazy crying girl, I had her pinned for the long-term.)
Nikki the nurse seems nice and cool and sweet, which usually means she'll get eaten up by the Bachelor bitches. We'll see though, she has potential for the long game.
Chantel & Danielle, the two African American gals who are keeping the show from a discrimination lawsuit. Danielle is gorgeous and Chantel seems to stick around for more than one more episode, which could be a record. You go, girl.
Elise (gold sequin dress) should remember what show she's on. Hint: It's not a beauty pageant.
Ashley. Another gold sequin dress. She talks way too seductively to be a 1st grade teacher.
"Bangs" Amy J.....uh SUPER CREEP, WALK AWAY JUAN!
Can we talk about...the first impression rose going to 'Sir' Sharleen? (See what I did there?) First of all, she looked straight up scared shitless while he was going to get that rose, but I do give her credit for being real about things and basically being like, 'meh.' I also love that she said "sure" when asked to accept the rose. Basically, she's all, "LIGAS." (Like I Give A Shit.) These things aside, she annoys me already, and is clearly going to be the character this season who questions why she's here, cries about how hard it is, leaves on her own accord. Seriously though, why does she keep calling him sir?
Here's my guesses for the top 10 (in no particular order):
- Renee
- Chelsie
- Christy
- Nikki
- Alli
- Andi
- Clare
- Sharleen
- Kat
- Lucy
Can't wait to make fun of these "lovely ladies" all season long with you! Hopefully they give me some good material.
Warning: There will more than Juan way to make fun of them...muhahha.
PS - did anyone else think that in the last scene with shirtless Juan and Sean, Sean has put on some pounds?!