When laughter turns to tears - #8
Sunday morning donuts help make things feel normal.
Social distancing day…14?
Happy Tuesday, everyone. I think we’re all in different stages of this thing, but hopefully, we’re all still here.
I’m finding the hardest part of all of this is not knowing when it will end. And on top of that, whenever it DOES end, it’s not like we’ll snap our fingers and things will be back to normal. I’m doing my best to keep my mind positive, but it’s really hard sometimes. I try hard to focus on the here, and now, and keep perspective that however bad I feel or think things are, they can always be worse, and big picture, we’re doing OK. We still have our jobs, our health, food to eat, toilet paper to use and alcohol to drink. Honestly, I’m happy that as chaotic as it is at times, I’m going through this with my little fam. It makes me feel safer and a little more in control.
A rare moment of brotherly love.
I had a VERY weird experience Sunday night. I came down from putting Liam to put and Bryan was watching TV. I started singing, “You are not alone,” by Michael Jackson. (🤷🏻♀️) I started laughing at myself, and B made a joke about how I’ve gone crazy sooner than he thought. I was laughing so hard, I started crying, and I couldn’t stop laughing. Then Bryan asked if I was OK, and my laughing tears turned into I started sobbing tears. Hyperventilating, uncontrollable tears and at the same time, still laughing. I couldn’t control my emotions. I was legit laughing and sobbing like a maniac and I couldn’t stop doing either. 😳 It was really out of body, and came out of nowhere. So, there’s that.
As for how it’s going otherwise…it’s fine? The hardest part for me continues to be managing work with the boys. I feel like nothing gets my full attention, ever, which in turn makes me feel like I’m half-assing literally every part of my life. Parenting, working, wife-ing, friending. And that’s a shitty feeling.
More than anything, it’s like everything is intensified by thousands, right? The highs are high, and the lows are low. There are moments of each day when I find myself laughing with/at the boys, when I am in awe of them and comforted by their presence. But then the lows are really low, and in the really hard moments, it feels awful and unimaginable, and I’m going crazy, and all the things. I go from feeling awesome because we did some learning today, or because we managed without screen time. But then the next second, someone is crying or I’m yelling, and then it all feels terrible again. And then after the kids are in bed, and we realize we made it through another day, it doesn’t all feel so terrible, and I’m ready to do it again tomorrow. If that makes sense.
General Observations/Thoughts/Feelings:
Four people eating three meals a day, plus snacks, go through a lot of dishes and run the dishwasher all the fucking time. We even use paper plates and bowls.
Four people eating three meals a day and drinking all the alcohol and doing all the crafts, go through a lot of trash. (see note above about plates and bowls.)
Four people eating three meals a day and drinking all the alcohol spend a lot of money on groceries.
Bonus=Less laundry because we wear our pajamas all day every day.
I’m low-key concerned about becoming a functioning alcoholic at this point.
How long until I have a full-on breakdown? We saw a glimpse on Sunday. (See above story)
Our dishwasher, water filter in the refrigerator, and master bathroom toilet are all on the fritz, so that’s cute.
My family doesn’t appreciate/want to eat take-out as often as I do.
Kids started e-learning this week, which entails logging on to Zoom meetings, checking their Class Dojo’s for activities, and then administering said activities. While I am ever grateful, I am also stressed as to how I am supposed to manage those activities with work and with parenting. Add it to the list.
Taking comfort in that we are all in this together and doing the best we can.
Goals this Week:
Cut back on alcohol.
Sleep more.
Drink more water.
Get up earlier in the mornings to continue my workouts and try to squeeze in some work before the chaos begins. (this is hard, because I go to bed so late trying to get work done and decompress from the day but I CAN DO IT.
I’m hoping to have some more interesting content coming up soon. Have swirled around ideas for “How a Working Mom Things During COVID-19” post (a la my popular post “How a New Mom Thinks at Night.”) I have also toyed with writing a letter to the President, but that would probably not be good for my mental health.
I was trying to capture the head in the head thing he does, but we couldn’t stop laughing.
Every day when we put Connor down for a nap, he cradles his little face in his hands, and looks up at me and says, “What’d we do today, Mom?” He does it at bedtime, too. And as we go through the day together, recounting what we did, I’m always comforted. No matter how much or how little we did, he’s taking it all in. And when I ask if he had a good day, he says yes, every single time. It’s in those moments that I know in my heart, we’re doing enough. We’re doing OK. We’re doing our best. And we’re all gonna be OK.
XOXO
Rachel