I’m tired - #7

My thoughts exactly. boys.

It’s Thursday. Right?

Today Liam asked, “How many days have we been at home?” and it gave me a much needed laugh,. I have quite honestly lost track of the days at this point. If I remember correctly, our first official day of quarantine as a family was last Wednesday. And now somehow it’s more than a week later.

The days are so long, but still seem to go so fast, and I can’t quite figure out why that is. Well, not all days go fast. Some have been screechingly slow. I guess I just mean, I don’t really know how tomorrow is almost Friday.

This week has been a rollercoaster. We’ve had good days, and less good days. My work has been a little slow, which I’ve been thankful for, but that doesn’t stop the feeling of constantly needing to be doing something and making myself busy. I think deep in the back of my mind, while I feel like my company and industry will be OK at the end of all of this, there is a quiet voice that tells me to stay busy because otherwise you’re expendable. And given previous experience, when you’re busy, you’re expendable then, too.

That said, I’m kicking off a new project tomorrow, actually, and it’s going to be fast and furious, so Bryan and I are going to have to work on a better schedule to manage the boys. We’ve done a decent job balancing calls, etc. this week and last, but I’m going to need more than a few focused hours of work during the day, because I’m not interested in staying up until wee hours of the morning.

This week our whole “structure” kind of went to shit in some ways, but worked in others. Liam was not really interested in doing his journal or any time of virtual circle time. Connor was interested in doing the activities he got from school. We got in some good outdoor time, as it was warmer this week. Bryan took the lead on doing some science projects with the boys. We did puzzles. Lots of reading. Lots of painting. Lots of building. Lots of, but not as much as I expected, of tablet/screen time.

We’re tired.

All I know is I’m really tired. Tired in a way I haven’t been tired before. I’m 100% sure it’s largely more emotions than I’m used to feeling. But also because, as previously mentioned, it’s pretty fucking hard to try and be a teacher, a parent and a competent full-time worker all day long. I’m tired of repeating myself. I’m tired of no one listening. I’m tired of noise. I’m tired of cleaning up after everyone. I’m tired of messes. I’m tired of cooking. I’m tired of doing so many dishes and taking out so much trash and doing so many loads of laundry. Normal parent things, but times like 1,000,000. (This is not to say Bryan is not helping me in these areas. He for sure is, and I’m thankful for him.

Currently I’m having a good cry watching Grey’s Anatomy. I’m crying at the show but I think probably for other reasons, too.

Looking forward to the weekend.

Don’t forget to let me know how you’re hanging in there!

XOXO

Rachel