Quarantine Day 2 - #2
Day two of our quarantine was not quite as good as the first.
Well, maybe I should rephrase. I feel like maybe I specifically was not as good today as I was yesterday. Mentally, that is.
I write to you tonight through tears, which are not the first I’ve shed today.
The boys are sick, which is always stressful, even more so now. Connor seems to be on the mend. He’s been fever-free for 48 hours and really just has a runny nose. His nighttime coughing has subsided for the most part. Liam on the other hand seems to be peaking. He woke up again early this morning in another coughing fit. He was fine during the day, but tonight he complained that lights were too bright and he was so tired and he didn’t feel good. I asked if he felt worse or the same and he said the same, but he also spiked a small fever, so I’ll probably give the doctor a call tomorrow.
Bryan and I are both trying to work during the day and manage the boys and balance our work calls/responsibilities and it’s very fucking hard. We’re managing, and we’re doing it, but during the day, I feel constantly on edge. I’m trying to get shit done for work and I can’t dedicate blocks of time to anything, except during nap time. Except that’s when I try to schedule my calls because again - it’s a quiet household. I’m also trying to pay attention to the boys, and get them set up with independent activities, but also play with them. And then it’s like, is this educational enough? We haven’t done anything “creative” today! We haven’t gotten outside yet! I realize these are all internal pressures I’m putting on myself. No one is telling me I’m not working fast enough and no one is telling me I’m doing it wrong.
Anyway, as I reflect on the day, it was all fine. There was just more anxiety than yesterday, more yelling, less listening and more tears from everyone.
After breakfast this morning, the boys did some “journaling.” Liam worked in his “sight words” coloring book that I remembered Santa bought him, and Connor worked on some coloring and did some stickers. Boys played with Legos, and then we all went outside and took the dog on a walk, played baseball and rode scooters before the rain started. After lunch was my favorite part of the day - NAP and QUIET time, depending on which child you are. I had a few conference calls at this time, and Bryan ran to the grocery store to get some more items. We are panicked because we can’t find Uncrustables anywhere and they are a STAPLE in this house! (Only halfway kidding about the panic.) We’ll try again tomorrow. Bryan took the boys to play outside in the rain while I tried to finish some work before dinner. I took another trip to the liquor store. I needed to get out of the house. Stocking up on beer seemed like a necessary excursion.
Boys got out some energy “drumming” (aka beating pillows with bowling pins) and dancing before finishing a movie. Now it’s 10:11pm, and when I’m done here, I have to finish something for work. All I really want to do is shut it all down, watch something funny on TV and go to sleep. And I want to sleep well. I’ve been having COVID-19-filled dreams the past two nights and waking up frequently. As soon as my brain wakes up for a second, I’m thinking about all this shit and it takes forever to fall back asleep before I get woken up by someone coughing. The world slowing down has actually made my mind speed up.
On the bright side, the boys are having fun and are happy to be home with us, and that’s really all that matters. I’m also in the midst of scheduling some virtual happy hours with friends. I cooked dinner for the third night in a row. I showered. I ate more. I still didn’t drink enough water or get up and move enough. But we laughed today. That’s important.
I’m just not managing my stress well but I need to fucking figure it out fast because I can’t continue on this path! My nerves are frayed. Got good advice from my bestie, sister and mom tonight and that’s to 1) breathe and 2) focus on what I can control, which is only myself and what happens within my home.
I’m sorry today’s post is dark and probably not making anyone feeling better. Or maybe it is because you had a bad day, too. Either way, I can’t be positive all the time and today was just a day. Tomorrow is a new one.
xoxo